C was due for a haircut. He always has a hard time with this. Sitting still, feeling the cold scissors against your hairline, the sound of the cutting. It's all a little overwhelming. This time however, his stylist came prepared. She had been thinking about how to make it easier for him. She asked me if I minded his hair short. I said "Not at all!" I didn't realize that she mean buzz cut short. By the time I realized what she was doing, it was too late. I didn't ever want C to have a buzz cut. I have to admit though, I love it! The haircut looks great, it looks great on him (makes him look like a big boy), and it only took five minutes with NO TEARS! So it really perplexed me when I felt this overwhelming sadness after it was done. It took me a day or so to figure it out. Some time ago I had attended an Autism awareness event. As I looked round I noticed many of the boys had buzz cuts. I made the connection right away that the autism caused some discomfort for these guys during a hair cut. It was then that I thought I wanted to make sure C doesn't HAVE to get a buzz. I didn't want the autism to stop him from having a normal haircut. Now, looking at his buzzed head, I see an autistic boy.
Before I continue, I have to tell you that I'm not proud of this. I struggle often with keeping my focus. I LOVE my little boy and appreciate his different abilities. There always seems to be a part of me that mourns what life could have been. I'm human, it's hard to not mourn for that.
So as I looked at his little buzzed head, I see the enjoyment in his face of knowing how cute he is. I see him touch it and stroke it feeling the sensation on his fingertips. I see him look in the mirror and make silly faces in his one man show. I think of the giggling I heard during the hair cut; a much different noise than any other I've heard during grooming. I heard and saw a little boy really, REALLY enjoying himself! That is enough for me to let go of any icky feelings I had. He's happy = Mommy's happy!
